


How I Kept My Cover

by justanexercise



Series: Unclassified: Robin Scherbatsky [2]
Category: How I Met Your Mother, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Black Hill - Freeform, F/F, Gen, Martasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-12 23:42:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 9,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2128869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanexercise/pseuds/justanexercise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maria Hill is under cover as Robin Scherbatsky. These are snippets of her life as Robin and Maria as she balances her life in SHIELD, New York and her girlfriend Natasha Romanoff. Black Hill. Martasha. [Drabbles of Avengers & HIMYM, some connecting, some not]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dyed

**Author's Note:**

> Title: How I Kept My Cover  
> Summary: Maria Hill is under cover as Robin Scherbatsky. These are snippets of her life as Robin and Maria as she balances her life in SHIELD, New York and her girlfriend Natasha Romanoff. Black Hill. Martasha. [Drabbles of Avengers & HIMYM, some connecting, some not]  
> Pairing: Blackhill, Martasha, Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov, Robin Scherbatsky/Natasha Romanov  
> Rating: Varies  
> Media: Marvel Cinematic Universe. How I Met Your Mother  
> Notes: I’ll just be updating whenever an idea comes when I re-watch HIMYM.

 

 

“Have you seen Agent Hill?” Natasha asks.

The stopped junior agent takes a step back from the piercing glare of the Black Widow. Natasha takes the frozen agent by the arm and guides her away from foot traffic in the busy hallways after the de-briefing.

“Agent Hill?” Natasha presses. “She was in this room with you.”

“Y-Yes Agent Romanoff, she was the first to leave. I don’t know where she went after,” the quivering agent gulps. She breathes a sigh of relief at Natasha’s nod and hurries far away.

After a few more mini-interrogations down the Triskelion, Natasha finally gets her answer. Maria is in her quarters. Natasha hurries her steps without portraying her escalating dread over Maria. It’s rare for Maria to retreat to her room here, she would always take a cursory round at headquarters, purposely bumping into Natasha to give each other a okay about their health. Maria’s avoidance is troubling.

She knocks on Maria’s door. It would be childs play for Natasha to simply pick the lock but that’s not the issue. As she waits for Maria to answer, she runs through Maria’s undercover operation in New York, nothing would indicate contact with hostiles. In fact it is one of the most boring operations Natasha has seen, but that is completely fine as long as Maria is safe. She’s heard enough complaints about the life of a normal civilian, unless something changed.

Finally, the door beeps unlocked and Natasha walks in, she pauses when the door closes. Maria’s wearing a hat. She hates hats.

“Why are you wearing a hat?” Natasha assesses Maria’s health, seeing no visible wounds or bruises.

Maria backs away and busies herself at the fridge, taking out two beers for them. “What’s wrong with a hat?”

“You hate them.”

“I don’t hate them.”

Natasha quirks an eyebrow, unamused. “You never wear a hat.”

Fidgeting with the label of the bottle, Maria chews the inside of her cheek. All tells.

“Okay fine,” Maria finally says. “But you promise not to laugh?”

“I can’t promise that,” Natasha replies, the truth. “But I will try my hardest to contain myself.”

That’s as good of an answer Natasha could ever give.

“So, there’s a new style going on in New York, and I thought what the heck I should try to blend in,” Maria fidgets with the hem of her hat. “The stylist took highlights to a different level.”

“You did not,” Natasha’s eyes are gleaming in mirth.

Maria pulls away her hat to reveal blonde highlights contrasting deeply with her naturally dark brown hair. She smooths it down and avoids looking straight at Natasha’s twitching mouth.

“Go on, say it,” Maria rolls her eyes.

Clearing her throat, Natasha presses her body against Maria’s and toys with her hair. “The 90s called, they want their stripes back.”

“That’s it?” Maria bends back a bit away from Natasha’s touch, but there’s a hint of a smile.

“You look like a tiger Maria. But a cute one.”

Natasha goes on her toes to kiss Maria, her hands go through Maria’s hair as she deepens it and winds her arms around Maria’s waist.  

“This is why you ran back here? Didn’t want the newbies to see big bad Agent Hill with Tigger hair?”

“I’d never live this down if Phil got ahold of it.”

“Better not let Clint know either then,” Natasha takes a few of Maria’s hair to inspect. “How long are you going to keep this?”

“It’s going back tomorrow, booked another stylist.”

“Then we should make the most of it.” Natasha lifts Maria’s butt up the kitchen counter and pulls her down by the nape of her neck to press her lips against Maria’s.

“Seriously?” Maria says, a breath away from Natasha.

“Totally hot.”

“Looking like a 90s pop star is hot?”

“As I recall, you are a 90s pop star Ms. Sparkles.”

Maria’s glare is sharp enough to make a butcher proud, but all Natasha does is cheekily grin and kiss her on the nose. “You are so going to pay for that.”

“I count on it.”

 

 


	2. Dog House

Natasha Romanoff, codename Black Widow, is the name espionage networks whisper in reverence if she is on your side, in fear if she’s on the other. Her skills are unprecedented. Unmatched. In recent years she’s been using her skillset for SHIELD, for what they represent, a better, safer world. Though right now? Natasha Romanoff is not using her acquired mastery for anything but selfish reasons. 

The paper bag is placed gently on the floor of the apartment hallway. She takes out a key from her jacket pocket, no need for lock picking. It goes into the lock seamlessly, barely a decibel of metal on metal. A tiny click. It’s unlocked. Natasha slips in. 

Spooks and spies extraordinaire Black Widow creeps across the living room. She drops the bag onto the coffee table and continues on, until the floor board creeks under her foot. Natasha crouches on the ground at the sudden patter of clicks and pants coming straight at her. She’s expecting an all-out brawl in the apartment, she isn’t wrong. Natasha stops her instinct of throwing the body launching itself on her, instead letting it collided with her and she goes down on the ground as its friends crawl all over her body. A pack of dogs, Natasha counts five, is busy licking and playfully pawing all over her.

“Natasha?” a voice rings incredulous across the room. “What the hell?” 

The dogs scramble away from Natasha to their owner, who puts the gun she had pointed at the intruder on safety. 

“Hey babe,” Natasha salutes with two fingers on her right hand, still laying prone on the ground. 

“Jesus Christ Natasha,” Maria helps her up. “It’s 4 in the morning, what are you doing here?”

Wiping away dog slobber from her face, Natasha smiles sheepishly and pulls out a bottle of wine from the bag. “Happy anniversary?” 

Maria blanches. “Anniversary?”

“Well sort of anniversary, two months.” 

“Shit,” Maria covers her face with her hands. “I didn’t realize…”

“That I’m a big softie?” says Natasha. She takes Maria’s hands in her own and kisses Maria’s cheek. “My longest real relationship. I expect you to make it up to me.”

Smiling, Maria grabs Natasha by her hips and yanks her close. Natasha hisses; her pelvis hits right at the top of Maria’s strong thighs. 

“I do have a question though, what’s with all the dogs?” Natasha gestures to the dogs around them, pawing and whining for their attention. 

“Coulson said I needed companions. Says it’s weird an attractive woman doesn’t have suitors.” Maria rolls her eyes good naturedly. 

“But there’s five.”

“I know, excessive. I told him one was more than enough and might have called him an overbearing miserable jerk when he insisted on two.”

Natasha scratches the ear of the huge Dalmatian, nearly as tall as her on its’ hind legs. “So he made you into crazy dog lady?”

“Robin Scherbatsky is apparently the type of girl who keeps the dog when she breaks up with someone.”

“Five relationships serious enough to co-own a pet?” Natasha eyes the dogs warily now. “And who are these ex-partners?”

“Imaginary, don’t even think about it,” Maria warns, seeing the glint of danger in her girlfriend’s eyes. 

“Fine.”

It’s not the end of it, Maria knows, but she sure does have ways to distract Natasha. “Come on,” she tugs on Natasha’s hand, leading her to the bedroom.


	3. Mystery Lover?

Maria Hill clenches her jaw and stares at her so-called friends. They’re all looking at her with an eager expression similar to a puppy dog. She takes a sip of cold beer. She’s Agent fucking Maria Hill, she practically wrote the manual on interrogation control at SHIELD, a couple of civilian cute eyes won’t faze her.

“So, is there anything you want to tell us Robin?” Ted asks next to her.

That she’s this close to taking out the concealed knife in her boot and embedding it between his stupid eyes, is what Maria would like to say, but since she’s just Robin Scherbatsky, she shrugs her shoulder and shakes her head no.

“Nothing at all?” Lily probes in front of her. She puts on the pout for good measure.

“What’s going on?” asks Maria. Straight to the point. As always.

Lily looks put out. “You’re really not going to tell us who your secret lover is?”

“I don’t have a secret boyfriend.”

“Liar,” Ted coughs underneath is breath.

“What was that?” Maria can subdue him with just her thumb. Pressure point on his shoulder, no one would even notice.

“I heard you,” Ted nearly jumps in his seat. “Mystery visitor in your room at 6 in the morning?”

“You were up at 6?” Maria deflects.

Marshall leans on his hands, his lawyer persona coming into effect. “Don’t change the subject Scherbatsky. Did you or did you not have a guest in your room in the early hours of the morning?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Maria calmly says, taking another swig of her drink. Internally, her alarms are blaring. How much do they know? She’s cursing at herself for downplaying how nosy these people are; now she might be compromised.

“I heard noises, suspicious ones,” says Ted. He’s looking at her with his ‘detective’ eyes, trying to solve her. That’ll never happen.

“Noises?” Maria scoffs. Could he possibly have heard classified mission intel? She knew she shouldn’t have talked about it but for the record it was in the middle of the night.

“Sounded like moaning, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about that would you Robin?” Ted presses.

Shit. Maria narrows her eyes. Digging out a bullet from someone’s arm with just a basic med kit is definitely not a good idea, but she had no other choice.

“So who’s laying into you Scherbatsky?” Barney waggles his eyebrows.

“Okay fine,” Maria throws up her hands in surrender. Might as well give them false gossip to throw them off her trail. “Just some guy from work, I was lonely and he was just there okay? Can we drop it now?”

They don’t, instead they’re all giving her a suspicious stare.

“What?” Maria asks.

“I heard two voices, two… _female_ voices,” Ted gives a triumphant smirk.

Thanks to her military and SHIELD training, Maria doesn’t smack her head on the table; though she’s this close to strangling her roommate.

“Crap,” she says. “It was just a one time thing, I don’t even remember it that well we were both really drunk.” Lies lies lies. But they don’t have to know that.

The guys high five and she’s being interrogated, great. Maria rolls her eyes, they’re such children. She vows to never help Natasha Romanoff again while she’s around these people. Even if she’s half dead dripping blood onto her window sill with two bullet holes and a knife wound. That reminds Maria, she has to buy bleach to get rid of the blood stains on the fire escape and the window.

“How was the sex?” Barney asks, his eyes shining.

Maria smirks. This at least she doesn’t have to lie about. “Remember that acrobat you nailed two weeks ago?”

Barney nods, his smile wistful and lecherous.

“Way more flexible and twice the stamina,” Maria teases.

She files the jealous groan from him for future references and leans back into the booth. Maybe she will continue help Natasha if she were in the area again, the delicious sore muscles between her thighs are definitely a good incentive. 


	4. Rubble

Knock knock knock.

“Be right back,” says Maria. She swipes an errant hair behind her ear, noticing a red stain on her fingertips. “Do not make any noises.”

Grabbing the throw blanket from the couch, Maria wipes the excess sweat and dust from her forehead and chest. There’s a tear on the sleeve of her shirt. Maria sighs. This is her favorite shirt, it’s been through high school, the army and even SHIELD training and now it’s beyond repair.

Another set of thumps against her door rouses Maria. “Alright alright!” Maria yells, opening the door a crack, leaving the chain on. She keeps her injured shoulder behind the door.

“Lily?”

“Hey are you ready to go? I called you but you didn’t pick up,” Lily says.

“Oh shit,” Maria face palms. “I totally forgot.”

“You forgot?” Lily asks, skeptically. “You forgot about the hockey game? The one you declared as Canada versus America and even made a slap bet with Barney about?”

“Yea, I’ve been busy,” Maria discreetly toes the bloody knife away from the doorway.

“With what?” Lily eyes her with suspicion, trying to glance through the crack of the door.

Narrowing the gap, Maria shields her apartment from Lily. “Just stuff,” she dismissively says.

“You’re all sweaty,” Lily observes. “What’s wrong with your shirt?”

“Nothing.” Maria curses in her head, she missed the hole near her ribcage. Luckily there is no blood from this particular knife inflicted tragedy. Definitely not going to be able to wear this shirt again.

A muffled moan blows her cover. Maria closes her eyes and counts to five, calming her murderous rage.

“Ohhh! Okay I get it now,” Lily says, her smile widening. “No worries Robin.” She leans in closer and winks. “Details tomorrow though,” says Lily, waving and practically skipping away from her door.

She shuts the door, her forehead leaning against the cool wood and blows out a breath of relief. Immediate danger dismissed. Cover not blown. Maria picks up the discarded knife and wipes the blood on her shirt. She bends down to eye level on the bloodied and beaten spy in the middle of her trashed living room. Broken coffee table, holes riddled in the couch, shattered mirror and stuffing pouring out of throw pillows. Ripping off the duct tape from his mouth, Maria drags the tip of the knife from his ear to his mouth, leaving a trail of spotted blood.

“Now, you were going to tell me who sent you.”


	5. Rubble (2)

 

Maria held up a finger, one second, she digs out her ringing cellphone. It’s Lily. She takes a deep breath, back to being Robin Scherbatsky for the moment.

“Hello?”

“Robin! Thank God you’re okay,” Lily shouts in her ear.

“One, ow. Two of course I am. What’s wrong?”

“Your apartment is trashed, are you okay? Do we need to call the police?”

She pinches the bridge of her nose. Shit. “No, don’t call them, I’m fine.”

“Really? Say yes if you’re in trouble and yep if you’re okay.”

Maria grins, at least her friends aren’t that dumb. “Yep Lily. It’s okay.”

“Then what happened? Your coffee table is splintered, there are holes in your couch. Are those bullet holes? And oh my God, is that blood?” Lily’s voice raises an octave per question, bordering on hysteria.

Fumbling for a response, Maria tries to think of a scenario where any of that would be plausible. Wrestling an assassin sent to kill me because I’m part of a super secret covert spy organization named SHIELD, the truth, would not be a good idea. Plus Lily would never believe that.

“I just had a rough day,” says Maria.

“A rough day?”

Lily’s having none of her excuse.

“Uhhh…” Maria stalls for time.

Observing the floundering Agent is Natasha, master spy, she can help, right? Natasha uncrosses her arms and holds her hand out, wriggling her fingers. Pass the phone.

Maria covers the mouth piece. “Thank you.”

Natasha smirks, turning away from Maria. “Hi, sorry Robin is a bit busy, who am I speaking to?”

“Lily. Where’s Robin?”

In her sweet, innocent voice, Natasha replies, “I’m Natalie. She’s a bit preoccupied at the moment. Can I take a message?”

“What? No put her back on,” demands Lily.

“Sorry, can’t do that. As I said, Robin’s busy.”

“Who are you?”

“You can say I’m a friend of Robin’s.”

“Well I’m Robin’s BEST friend and she’s never even mentioned you before.”

Natasha grins. Good, she’s a skeptic, as one should be, but she’s Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, she can convince anyone of anything. “Funny, Robin’s never mentioned you either.”

Or she can be a bitch and mislead this Lily.

Maria’s jaw drops. This isn’t going well. Obviously. Not in her calculations at all, Natasha is supposed to be making her life easier, not harder! She reaches for the phone, only to be blocked by Natasha’s hand on her chest.

“What are you doing?” Maria hisses, still grabbing for the phone.

Hopping up to Maria’s desk, Natasha leaps out of reach. She covers the mouth piece. “Saving your cover Hill.”

“How are you saving my cover? There’s still the question of my destroyed apartment!”

“I’m just getting to that.” Natasha tunes back into the conversation, with Lily still yelling into her ear. “Lily!”

“What?”

“Chill out, I was messing with you. Robin’s definitely mentioned you before, best friend, married to Marshall, kindergarten teacher?”

“Yea…how do you know Robin?”

“I shouldn’t be telling you this…” Natasha baits, knowing full well from Maria’s reports about Lily’s gossiping tendencies.

“You can trust me,” Lily squeaks.

“Okay, but only cause you’re Robin’s best friend,” Natasha winks across the room to a fuming Maria. “She’s my girlfriend.”

“WHAT?” Maria screeches.

Natasha already has the phone covered. She can hear Lily’s delighted squeal coming 2 feet away through the speakers.

“Romanoff what the hell!”

She holds up her hand, stop. “Well, on and off girlfriend, and we haven’t seen each other in a long time. Hence, a bit too strenuous in our activities last night.”

“That was you?” asks Lily, amazed.

“Yea, Robin’s too shy to let you know. But now that the cats out of the bag so to speak, she’ll be more than happy to fill you in.”

Natasha hands the phone back, smirking at the bomb she’s created.

“Hi Lily,” Maria says while flipping Natasha the bird. “Yea, I’m sorry, I should’ve told you about Natalie sooner, but she wasn’t in the picture and she just came back.”

“That’s okay,” says Lily, a bit choked.

“But you know what, I think you guys would love her,” Maria says, already planning her revenge. “She just said she’d love to meet you guys. Tonight at MacLaren’s?”

Natasha glares, but Maria is already typing out a request to Coulson to acquire the Black Widow for her services tonight.

Request sent and approved.


	6. Robin 101

 

“What are you reading?”

It’s a rare sight to come home to. Maria smiles. Home. Their home. Who knew Commander Hill and the Black Widow could actually play house? Coulson did. That jerk. He’d teased them nonstop for a week after he found out they bought an apartment together.

Maria kicks off her heels and pours herself a cup of water. Normally, if Natasha were waiting up for her, the television set would be blaring with a children’s cartoon. At least that’s what Maria calls them, Natasha’s lips would set in a fine line and argue that they were not children’s cartoons, adults enjoy them too. In fact more adults watch them than children.

And tonight, Natasha is reading. A composition book.

Natasha turns another page, fully engrossed. “Robin 101.”

She freezes. Maria hasn’t heard that in years. “What?”

“Robin 101,” Natasha repeats, a grin settling in. “Found this in SHIELD. Tell me, is your left knee really more sexually arousing than your right knee?”

“Romanoff, I swear to God if you don’t put that down right now I’ll—“

“You’ll throw your shoe?” she interrupts, showing her the exact page.

Maria lunges and face plants into the empty couch, Natasha already perfectly balanced on the side table.

“Natasha give me that!”

“Flared nostrils, check,” Natasha mimics a checking motion with her finger. “Wide unblinking eyes, check. Should we talk about emperor penguins now?”

Squealing as she’s being tackled, Natasha slides the book out of reach and locks Maria’s hips with her thighs. Maria on the other hand, huffs and tries to twist out, but that’s impossible. Unless the Black Widow wants to release her, there’s no way out. A few more seconds of futile struggling and Maria drops her head on Natasha’s chest, groaning.

“I can’t believe you dug that up,” Maria sighs.

“I got bored,” Natasha shrugs.

“Learned anything useful?”

Natasha plays with the baby hairs on Maria’s neck and hums in thought. “No. 99% of that information is part of your Robin persona.”

“What’s the 1% that isn’t?”

“You’re a cover hog.”

Maria smacks Natasha’s arm with an indignant squawk. “I am not.”

“Then how do the blankets end up all on your side every single night?”

Shifting up, Maria kisses her lightly. “Idiot, I wanted you to come over to my side.”

Natasha’s eyebrows rise up and her mouth falls in understanding. “Ohhh…”


	7. Agent Williams aka Patrice

“Coulson.”

“Agent Hill.”

“Did I do something to offend you?”

Coulson’s eyebrows furrow. Confused. “Why would you ask that? Of course you haven’t Maria.”

There’s tension in Maria’s jaw, Coulson hasn’t seen that since she’d been assigned undercover. “Then why did you assign Agent Amanda Williams, undercover name Patrice with me?”

Agent Williams, to Coulson’s knowledge, is an excellent field agent. Her completion rate is roughly 80% successful, not bad for someone who’s only been at SHIELD for a bit more than a year. In fact it had been Director Fury’s idea to assign her to Maria.

“She’s a capable agent Maria, is there a problem?”

 “She’s smothering me! Ironing my pants all wrong, baking me cookies and wears all the same clothes I do!”

Coulson takes a staggering step back when Maria explodes. “I … uh…” Coulson fixes his already immaculate tie. He tries not to look Maria directly in the eye, she has the strangle-him-with-her-bare-hands look. “Should I file a formal complaint?”

“Informal” Maria hisses.

“I’ll ask Director Fury about a reassignment.”

“Thank you Phil,” Maria says, finally relaxed.

-

“Absolutely not,” says Fury.

“But Agent Hill is adamant Agent Williams be relocated to another Op.”

“Agent Williams stays.”

Coulson clears his throat. There’s been something bothering him. “Sir, if I may. Agent Hill has this whole operation under control. She’s nearly done investigating WWN and GNB. It’s entirely unnecessary to have a second agent to assist her. Why is Agent Williams really there?”

Fury sighs and leans back in his chair. “Agent Hill expressed her undying boredom. I’m just helping her relieve some of that.”

“Sir, you put Agent Williams in there deliberately to annoy Maria?”

“Not annoy,” Fury corrects. “Boredom relief. Now don’t tell Hill that, she’ll be done in 2 weeks anyways.”

Coulson tilts his head, a realization. “Sir, did you put Agent Williams in there to make Maria speed it up? Her operation doesn’t officially conclude until next month.”

“Coulson, have you ever been in the receiving end of Agent Romanoff’s death glares?”

He represses a shudder. “I have.”

“Ever since Hill’s been gone, I’ve been on that receiving end every time she’s in the goddamn vicinity.”

“I understand sir,” Coulson solemnly nods. “I’ll let Maria know Agent Williams is to stay for the duration of the operation.”


	8. Dead Architect

 

Ted Mosby couldn’t believe his luck; he is going to design Stark Towers. Okay, not the entire Stark Towers, just the interior. Fine, not the whole interior, a big portion of it. Just one floor. Ted’s going to design one floor of Stark Towers.

He’d signed a confidentiality agreement, no one could know just who his client was, naturally within 30 minutes – it took that long to gather the gang – he’d spilled his guts to a fangirling Marshall, a proud Lily and a lusty Barney.

Officially he will be designing the living quarters and he’s to meet with them in ten minutes. Ted stands nervously in the elevator, readjusting his tie and styling his hair to the “no fuss” look that took 45 minutes to accomplish. He has his entire repertoire of architecture tools in his handy bag, it’s going to go perfectly. Ted’s not nervous, he’s just wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans because it’s warm, a warm 78 degrees Fahrenheit. It isn’t because he’s going to meet with one of the most attractive woman he’s ever seen on his television screen. Nope. He’s not nervous to meet the Black Widow.

The Black Widow, who could be the future Mrs. Ted Mosby. Future mother of his children.

JARVIS announces his arrival to the 85th floor.

Ted steps out, his heart beating out of his chest. The entire floor is bare, spacious, except for the table and two couches facing each other in the middle of the room. He takes a look around, no one’s here. He shuffles over to the only furniture, placing his bag on the table.

“Mr. Mosby,” a voice rasps behind him.

Ted nearly jumps and screams but manages to only flinch and squeak. He turns, his face growing warm in embarrassment.

The Black Widow raises an unimpressed eyebrow.

“Yes,” he squeaks again. He clears his throat. “Yes, I’m Ted Mosby. Architect.” He takes a page out of Barney’s book.

“I know,” she answers and seats herself on the opposite couch. “I hear you’re a good architect Mr. Mosby.”

“Really? You’ve heard of me? And Ted’s just fine.”

Natasha smiles, full of sinful promises. All ending deadly.

“Yes I have, Ted.”

-

Maria shuffles the bag of Italian food in her hands and tries to elbow the right floor in the elevator. After two attempts, she huffs. “JARVIS, 85th floor please.”

“Of course Agent Hill. Shall I inform Agent Romanoff of your arrival?”

“Thank you and no, don’t tell her.”

She watches the numbers go up and rolls her eyes when ‘Black Widow’ starts playing in the elevator.

“JARVIS, change the music.”

“I apologize Agent Hill, but Sir has overridden my protocol and I cannot change it at this time.” The AI actually sounds annoyed and apologetic.

Maria sighs. Goddamn Tony Stark. It’s been playing non-stop since the song came out whenever Natasha’s in the building. Even Bruce has to leave the tower from his Zen mode breaking.

“Agent Romanoff is currently speaking with a guest,” JARVIS informs Maria.

Her thoughts pause. Guest?

“It is the architect chosen to create the new floor plan for Agent Romanoff’s living space.”

That explains it but Natasha never mentioned she’d be meeting them today.

“Thank you JARVIS.”

Maria steps out onto Natasha’s designated floor, looking for her girlfriend with dinner in hand. She spots her speaking with who she assumes to be the architect.

There’s a small flinch in Natasha’s shoulder, unnoticeable to the guest, but a huge tell for Maria. Natasha doesn’t expect her.

“Hey Nat,” Maria announces her presence. “Meeting with Pepper got out early, I brought takeout from Ginero’s.”

She nearly drops the food onto the ground when Natasha’s guest turns around.

“Robin?”

Maria swallows the lump in her throat. “Hello Ted.”

“What are you doing here?” Ted asks, stepping closer to her.

She pinches the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache starting to form. Shit. Goddamn. Fucking Natasha Romanoff. As if her life wasn’t already complicated. Romanoff employs her ex-boyfriend when she was doing undercover work?

“I can’t tell you,” Maria says and glares at Natasha.

“What?”

“It’s classified. You’re the architect redesigning this floor then. That means you already told Lily, Marshall and Barney about working for Stark Industries and by extension for Agent Romanoff.”

Ted freezes, deer in the headlights look and gulps. “No…” he says unconvincingly.

Maria takes a step towards him, her eyes conveying the dangerous situation he found himself in. This is a glare reserved for the lowliest of agents who’ve annoyed her, and it’s working. Ted looks like he’s ready to piss himself. “Ted Mosby, if you breathe a word of you seeing me here. There won’t be traces of you left to find. Am I making myself clear?”

He nods, quaking in fear.

She looks towards Natasha, who’s trying for the nonchalant pose. Maria sits down next to Natasha and puts on a sickeningly sweet smile as she grips Natasha’s knee.

“Now,” Maria says, pointing Ted towards the couch. “Where did you two leave things?”

-

Natasha waves good bye to Ted, smirking on the inside at him tripping over himself to get away from them. That’ll show him. Her glee turns to dread at the throat clearing behind her. Time to face the music.

“Natasha Romanoff, what the hell were you thinking?”

“He’s an architect, we needed an architect.”

“Romanoff.”

They hold a staring contest. With anyone else, Natasha would win hands down, but Maria has her arms crossed and is seconds away from pulling out her gun.

“Okay fine,” Natasha says. “I just wanted to see what he was like. You almost blew your cover for him.”

Maria sighs and shakes her head. She walks to Natasha until they’re only a foot away from each other and tilts Natasha’s chin up. “I didn’t, not for him.” Maria takes a breath. “You were in Budapest and you needed me, but I wasn’t there.”

Natasha sucks in a breath. “Oh.”

“Yea ‘oh’,” Maria chuckles. “You really thought I’d blow my cover for him?”

“We weren’t together then.”

“No, but that’s when I knew we weren’t just fucking. Not on my end.”

Bowing her head, Natasha rests against Maria’s shoulder, hugging her tightly. Her head moves along with Maria’s chest and bounces when Maria chuckles.

“I’m sorry,” Natasha says.

“You know, I never thought I’d see the day Black Widow would get jealous.”

Natasha burrows her head closer to Maria, she really can’t deny that. It’s futile to try. She just has to get Maria’s mind off her embarrassing green-eyed monster. Her lips trail along the exposed skin of Maria’s chest and neck. Mission sex-Maria-til-she-forgets-this commenced.


	9. Music Video Night

 

“I’d like to do something a little bit different tonight,” Tony says, standing in front of the large television in the common room.

“Please don’t tell me you want to watch porn,” Clint pipes up from the ground, a bowl of popcorn on his lap.

Steve’s eyes widen and his jaw drops in horror. “Tony…” he says with a warning.

“I am appalled you’d think I’d sully our movie night with porn,” Tony says, holding a hand to his arc reactor. “So appalled. Maybe next week.”

He raises his hands at the wall of protests in front of him. “I had a very interesting conversation with someone redesigning the tower.”

Maria sits up from reclining against Natasha’s stomach, she levels her glare at him while he smirks right back at her. “Stark…” she growls, earning confused looks from everyone.

Ever the mother, Pepper casts a worried look to Maria. “What’s going on?”

“I think it’s time to introduce Steve to some music videos, don’t you agree Hill? Bit of culture, from the North,” Tony claps his hand.

“Stark!” Maria throws the bowl of popcorn from Clint’s lap straight at his head, ignoring Clint’s indignant protest. Unluckily for her, he ducks, scattering the food on the floor.

“If Maria doesn’t want us to see something, we should respect that,” Steve says.

“The Captain is right,” says Thor, laying a comforting hand on Maria’s shoulder.

“Tony,” Bruce shakes his head.

“Oh come on guys!” Tony whines. “I haven’t even watched it yet.”

“No,” Natasha raises an eyebrow.

Maria takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, she straightens her shirt. “It’s okay. If it’s what I think it is, I’d rather everyone see it now then hear it blasting in the tower. Like ‘Black Widow’ was.”

Everyone groans at the song name, even saying it brings back the million loops Tony put in all the rooms of the tower.

“You are being very level headed about this Agent,” says Tony.

Maria raises a finger, silencing him. “But on one condition, anything associated with this, and I mean everything, will not be played without my consent. By any of you.” She gives every single person in the room her Hardass Hill glare until they shrink. Even Natasha nods.

“What other dirt is on you Agent…”

“Stark,” Maria stares at him.

“Okay fine, agreed. Can we do this now?”

“You hear that JARVIS?” says Maria.

“I have Agent Hill. I will honor your request and stop any attempts by Sir.”

Maria nods and gives Tony the go ahead. He claps his hand like a hyperactive toddler and presses play.

The video starts playing and Maria shuts her eyes. God that horrible hair style! She feels the questioning gazes of the occupants of the room. She ignores them.

_Isn’t there something I can do to make it up to you?_

“I thought you said it wasn’t pornography Tony,” Steve says with a blush and a glare.

“It’s not,” Maria rubs the bridge of her nose. “It’s worse than that.”

Steve furrows his eyebrows, confused. “What’s worse than…oh.”

_Let’s go to the mall everybody! Go!_

Groaning, Maria covers her face with her hands. After all this is over, Ted Mosby is a dead man. He won’t even see it coming.

“Blonde hair does not suit you,” Clint observes.

“What is this?” Bruce asks, completely entranced.

“It was part of my cover,” Maria explains.

“That’s an elaborate cover,” Tony says, snacking on the popcorn. “Robin Sparkles, sounds like a porn name to me, is that the rest of whatever you don’t want me to find?”

“Shut up Stark,” says Maria. “They set me up as a 90s pop star in Canada.”

“Wow,” Steve says from his end of the couch. “You’re a decent singer at least?” He tries to cheer her up.

Maria just sighs and burrows deeper against Natasha’s stomach. Natasha hums and massages her tense shoulders.

“Wait a minute,” Tony jumps up. “You knew about this!” he points an accusing finger towards Natasha.

“Did I?”

Tony pauses. “Did you…of course you did…but…you’re a master spy and that’s your girlfriend singing about the mall. Of course you knew…right?”

“Hmm…” Natasha ignores him, kissing the top of Maria’s head.

“Come on Romanoff, what other dirt is there?”

“That’s classified Stark.”


	10. Agent’s Assistant

 

“Tony, what are you doing here?” Pepper asks, stopping at the corner Tony is peeking his head out of.

“Shhh!”

He grabs Pepper by the waist and hauls her away from the hallway, he goes back to poking his head out.

“Tony…” There’s a warning in her tone. “Why are you standing in the corner of Maria’s office? What did you do?”

“What? I didn’t do anything,” he says, avoiding her eyes.

“Tony.”

“I just hired her a new assistant, you should be thanking me. Poor Agent Hill –“

“She’s not an agent anymore.”

“—is doing such fine work for SI and no assistant? Such a harsh boss Pepper! SI can afford to hire her an assistant.”

Pepper pinches the bridge of her nose. “She said she was going to go through resumes later. Tony who did you hire?”

“Oh don’t worry Pepper, it’s someone Hill’s worked with before,” Tony smirks. “I have it on good authority that they have worked together.”

“Please don’t tell me you hired Natasha.”

“Course not,” he scoffs. A few seconds later, his expression brightens. “Maybe I should have, think Hill and Romanoff want to spice up their sex lives.”

Pepper sighs and rubs forehead, it’s already starting to hurt. “I’m going to let Natasha shoot you in the foot.”

“That hurts Pepper, so much. I’m just doing a good deed for our ex-SHIELD agents.”

“Good deed like hiring an assistant without going through Maria first?”

“Precisely!” he wags his finger in the air and pokes his head back out. “Huh…she’s been in there for the past 10 minutes.”

“Who?” Pepper looks over his head.

“Assistant. Hey, does Hill carry any guns? Of course she does, actually she can kill someone with a paperclip, it’s in her file.”

“Why would…who did you hire?”

Pepper walks down the hall, despite Tony trying to drag her back to safety, she stops in front of Maria’s door and knocks.

“Come in,” Maria says.

Turning back towards Tony’s horrified face, she mouths, “You owe me.”

He mouths back, “Dead body. Check.”

Pepper squares her shoulders and goes in, prepared for the worst; except she finds Maria calmly sitting at her desk, a woman standing by her side. They’re going through paperwork it seems.

“Hope I’m not interrupting you Maria.”

“You’re not,” Maria says with a small smile.

“Hi Ms. Potts! I’ve heard so much about you!” the woman says.

Pepper assumes this is the new assistant, she holds out her hand to only for it to be held in two hands and shaken quite forcefully.

“I have to thank Mr. Stark for hiring me! He came personally and asked if I wanted to be Robin’s…err, I mean Ms. Hill’s assistant and I love Ms. Hill so of course I said yes!”

“Oh…” Pepper blinks, she’s actually speechless for once.

“She’s a bit excitable,” Maria says over the top of her file. “You forgot to introduce yourself.”

“I’m sorry where are my manners, I’m Patrice!”

“Nice to meet you Patrice. How is Stark Industries treating you so far?”

“It’s my first day but so far it’s great! I baked cookies!” Patrice gestures to the plate on the table. “Would you like one Ms. Potts?”

“Oh no thank you.”

Patrice doesn’t look put out at all. “Ms. Hill says she can’t eat cookies right now because she’s regulating her blood sugar intake, maybe tomorrow I’ll make a salad?” she looks to Maria with hope.

“No thank you Patrice,” Maria politely declines. “I’m having lunch with Natasha tomorrow.”

“Ohhhh, you two are so cute together! Do I get to meet her? The Black Widow?”

“We’ll see, Patrice, I’d like a few minutes with Pepper. You can offer Mr. Stark the cookies you made, he’s just down the hall on the corner. Make sure he eats them.”

“Of course, I won’t let you down Ms. Hill!”

Patrice zooms out of the room, plate in hand.

Pepper stares at the shut door and turns to Maria, mouth agape. She clears her throat. “Well, she’s…gregarious.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Maria sits back in her chair.

“Tony was convinced he’d find a dead body in here.”

“If he spoke with who I think he did, I’m not surprised.”

“He said you two worked together before, she doesn’t look like SHIELD.”

Maria shook her head. “I was undercover, World Wide News. She was my co-worker.”

“I’m sorry Maria, I don’t know what Tony was thinking. I think Bob from marketing may need an assistant if you need a transfer.”

“There’s no need Pepper.”

“Are you sure? She doesn’t seem like your type of assistant.”

“Don’t worry Pepper, I have it under control.”

The tiny grin on Maria’s face makes Pepper gulp. She’s only seen that type of manic grin on Natasha before a prank in the Tower.

“Of course, I’ll leave you to work.”

Maria nods and turns back to her computer, though the grin is still there. Pepper shuffles out as fast as she can. Closing the door behind her, Pepper spots Tony at the end of the hall. Patrice is shoving cookies into his mouth. Pepper shakes her head and walks in the other direction. She has a feeling Maria’s just bested Tony, and it will keep on coming.


	11. Blue Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompted by Littlesolo: Ted will just not let go.... and Maria and/or Natasha has to make things clear to him

“Is that a guy with a blue French horn?” Natasha asks, pointing to the entrance of the Avenger’s Tower from outside their car.

Maria groans and shuts the passenger side door. “Shit.”

“What’s he even doing, that’s plastic you can’t even play anything on that,” Natasha comments, nudging Maria with her shoulder.

“Remember that undercover op I was on for a couple years?”

Natasha nods slowly.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Maria continues, “Well that’s the guy who fell in love with me.”

“Wait him?” Natasha scrutinizes him, he’s definitely not Maria’s type. “He’s the one who made you marry Agent Harris?”

“Unfortunately yes, and oh look he just spotted us.”

“Robin!” Ted yells, running towards them in the finest suit he has, which ‘Barney’ or Agent Harris would never touch with a 10 foot pole.

“Hello Mr. Mosby,” Maria says with a smile she reserves for Congressional members.

“It’s good to see you,” he says. “Marshall and Lily says hi by the way.”

“You can tell them I said hi back. What are you doing here Ted?”

“Robin –“

“It’s not Robin, Mr. Mosby.”

“— back in New York and not even a word to your friends?”

Maria sighs and squares her shoulders. “You’re aware of who I am Mr. Mosby? How can you not, I’m all over the news.”

“Just what you wanted right? On television, but roles reversed,” he chuckles.

“It’s what Robin Scherbatsky wanted, I’m not her.”

“Right, secret agent woman, with Barney…”

“It’s our job Mr. Mosby, if you have a complaint you can get in line.”

“Not complaining! Stating some facts is all and hey since you’re here now and I’m here, how about we go back to MacLaren’s? Marshall and Lily are dying to hear from you.”

“Ted,” Maria softens seeing his hopeful expression. “It’s better if we don’t.”

“But—“

“She said no,” Natasha finally interrupts. She may be the shortest out of them, but her eyes promise a lifetime of pain for him.

“I … uh,” Ted stammers. “Who are you?”

“Maria’s girlfriend,” Natasha enunciates _Maria_.

His eyes widen, looking back and forth between the two women, his mouth gaping. “Oh…I didn’t know you were…you like women?”

“Gender is a non-issue,” Maria says.

“Just that you’ve only slept with men,” Ted mumbles.

“Robin Scherbatsky was straight. I’m not her.”

“Tracy and I are divorced,” Ted spills.

Maria blinks. “What? But how? She was the one.”

“She isn’t, you are.”

“Ted…” says Maria, a warning tone.

“She isn’t the one, not for me. I loved Tracy but I couldn’t lie to her anymore.”

“Ted, don’t do this.”

He steps forward, undeterred. “When I saw you on the news, it was a sign. You just disappeared and then Barney left too, I just thought it was natural because you two couldn’t make it as a couple. But now I know, you had to leave.”

“That’s not how it is Ted and you were happy with Tracy for goodness sake, you have kids together! You can’t just do that and run off on a dream.”

“It’s not a dream not for me, it’s you, I can wait as long as you need me to.”

Maria puts her hands up and closes her eyes, her face creasing into a frown. “I don’t need you to do anything for me. We’re through, we were through once I was married.”

“You and Barney get divorced!”

“Agent Harris and I were undercover Ted! We went into this knowing it was a possibility we would have to get married in order to maintain our cover. And he has now happily married to his husband so leave him out of this. This is about you regarding Tracy as baby making machine!”

“I won’t give up Robin.”

“For the last time, my name is Maria.”

“Maria, I’ve loved you ever since you threw a martini in my face, the first time I stole you this blue French horn. I’ve continued to love you even when you were Barney, but you were happy, with him and now it turns out you two weren’t even in love. And he’s gay –“

“Bisexual,” Maria says.

“—so all those women he slept with he didn’t even sleep with them –‘

“Once again, bisexual,” she repeats.

“—and I still feel the same way about you. You loved me before Rob – Maria.”

“Ted, I admit that I liked you for a bit –“

“I knew it!”

“—but I don’t feel that way anymore. And what I have now, I’m sorry Ted, but I love Natasha. She’s it. She’s my happy ending. I’m not yours Ted, I never was.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I don’t accept that no. We were in love Maria! I gave up Tracy for you.”

“I don’t want you to, never wanted you to. Have you ever loved Tracy or was she just a consolation prize?”

“Maria…I did love her, I still do. I just love you more.”

“That’s not how it works you were the one who believed in all or nothing.”

“And that’s what I’m doing, I’m going for it, all or nothing with you.”

“Then it’s nothing, I can’t be with you Ted. I can’t. Don’t try to contact me again.”

“Ro – Maria!”

Maria sidesteps him, walking towards the entrance of the tower as Natasha shoves him back.

“Take a hint, she said no.”

“She loves me,” he says full of confidence.

“Robin Scherbatsky may have loved you, but she doesn’t exist. Maria Hill on the other hand is with me and if you dare show your face within 5 blocks of us…”

Natasha whips out her hand, slicing through the plastic blue French horn with just her flesh and bone. She contains the grin forcing its way out from the high pitched girlish squeak Ted made. She spins on her heels, joining Maria, if she has to, she’ll have even more persuasive measures, but for now, leaving him with a broken instrument is good enough.


	12. Booth talks

 

“Agent Romanoff.”

“Agent Harris,” Natasha replies into her phone. She’s sitting in an outdoor patio across from SI, waiting for Maria to finish work so they can go to dinner.

“It’s just Harris now, retired.”

“Right.” Natasha plays along, a SHIELD agent is never retired.

“I’m forwarding you a conversation and the passkey to the surveillance mics to Operation: Studio.”

“That wasn’t my Op Harris.”

“I believe you have a vested interest in this.”

Natasha furrows her eyebrows. “Why are you still surveiling them?”

“I wasn’t, but a few keywords flagged and this is more your territory than mine. I’m handing you full control, it’s no longer my problem Agent Romanoff.”

“So it’s going to be my problem now?”

“Try not to maim anyone please. Give Agent Hill my regards and have fun Agent Romanoff.”

Her phone beeps, call disconnected. A few seconds later, her phone displays a new file, one voice and one operations control. She opens the voice file first.

A female voice comes through first.

“Ted, you have to stop this.”

“Lily’s right, Robin or well Maria and her girlfriend made it very clear.”

Natasha grinds her teeth. Ted Mosby and his group of friends were talking about them, again.

“Come on guys!” his whiny voice grates on Natasha’s nerves. “Robin slash Maria, we’re meant to be together. Remember? Blue French horn –“

“That got karate chopped to death?” Lily interrupts.

“Let it go Ted,” Marshall adds.

“I can’t! How could I when I know all I need is another chance to show her how perfect we’d be, she just needs a little time. She said she doesn’t want kids, well she doesn’t have to have them, I already got them, she can be cool step-mom Robin, Maria.”

“She has a girlfriend Ted, you don’t go after people in relationships, well you did, but you shouldn’t,” Lily states. “And her girlfriend can kill you, literally. And so can Maria.”

“That never stopped her, remember Kevin? She cheated on him with Barney.”

“You really think she’s going to cheat on the Black Widow? The Black Widow. She’s gorgeous,” Lily says, her voice dropping into a dreamy state. “Green eyes, really great body…and she and Maria are perfect. That black hair and red hair clashing together, yanking at each other’s hair and the Black Widow just jumping on Maria’s hips…”

Natasha raises an eyebrow at this, well then, someone’s got some fantasies. Maybe she’ll kiss Maria in front of her, make her dreams more vivid.

“Lily! She was our friend,” Marshall says.

“Robin was, Maria Hill wasn’t. And oh have you seen Maria Hill with short hair? I bet the Black Widow ran her hands through it all the time, just to make it sexy messed up, after sex messy.”

“Lily you’re drooling,” Ted says. “Stop fantasizing about my future wife with another woman, a redheaded woman at that!”

“Hey what do you have against redheads?”

“Obviously a stand in for you in your dreams.”

Lily laughs throatily. “Stand in? Are you insane, I want to be the oreo filling to them!”

“Wow, how long have you two not had sex?” Ted asks Marshall.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Okay not really, but I can take Marvin if you two need some alone time.”

“Thanks Ted, but can we get back to you stalking your ex-girlfriend who was actually a secret agent married to secret agent Barney?”

“I’m not stalking her, I just need a way to win her back. I need more information, she works for Stark Industries now, I just need to find a way to get close to her.”

Natasha tunes out the rest of their conversation, just Lily and Marshall trying to persuade Ted to give up. It doesn’t work. She drums her fingers along the table, this civilian is even worse than Tony Stark with a mad idea. Maybe a few visits with her Widow Bites would be convincing and she can say hello to this Lily.


	13. Dreams DO come true!

 

“Explain to me again Romanoff,” Maria hisses under her breath in the hallway, “why we’re breaking into my old cover’s friend’s apartment?”

Natasha opens the door and slips in with Maria behind her. Maria looks around her old apartment, now Marshall and Lily’s, not much has changed apparently. Same old red couch, kitchen table. There is a new TV set, more kid’s toys sprawled around the living room and a few new paintings hang on the wall.

“Come on Maria,” Natasha says, pulling her girlfriend onto the couch.

“Seriously? We could’ve just met them in restaurant.”

“Can’t exactly tase someone in public,” Natasha says, an eyebrow raised.

“Don’t tase anyone.”

“I can’t promise that.”

“Natasha, I don’t want to do more paperwork, and Congress is just itching for an excuse to put you in an interrogation room.”

“Trust me,” Natasha says, climbing on top of Maria’s lap, “he won’t be pressing charges.”

Maria sighs and puts her hands on Natasha’s waist, her thumb going just under Natasha’s shirt and rubbing her skin. “Do I even want to know?”

“Probably not,” Natasha says, brushing aside a lock of Maria’s hair and pressing their foreheads together. “Relax, I’m an expert remember?”

-

Lily climbs the stairs to her apartment, she checks her phone again, no new texts but one telling her to hurry back to her apartment there might be a water leak from the super. For some reason Marshall’s suddenly swamped at work and can’t leave so now it’s up to Lily to check on this mysterious water leak. She opens the door, strange, it’s unlocked, and her brain completely fizzles.

“Nnngh?” she says, at least that’s what she thinks she said.

“Lily,” Maria says from her couch.

“Hi there,” waves Natasha with such a delightful smirk.

That’s not what has Lily wondering if she knocked her head on the ground though, it’s her wildest, well not wildest, but her most thought of fantasy playing out right in front of her. Natasha Romanoff straddling Maria Hill on her couch as she enters her own apartment. All that’s missing is the skimpy field suits she’s seen on TV, but to her disappointment, Natasha’s wearing a comfortable striped hoodie over skinny jeans and Maria’s wearing a collared shirt tucked into jeans.

“Nnnghhh…” Lily says again.

Maria leans away from Natasha, oh no don’t do that, Lily pleads in her head, they should get closer, hell _she_ should get closer.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Maria says to Lily and levels a glare to Natasha.

Finally, Lily’s brain catches back to speed. “What does this look like? I don’t think I have enough time to know, I think I need just a bit longer to see what this is. Please continue,” she gestures and unsteadily falls down on the seat across from them.

“You said you asked Ted to come,” Maria says to Natasha.

“I never said that,” Natasha answers.

“Why would you invite Ted?!” Lily nearly screams. This is not going according to fantasy, not at all! There should be much less clothing involved and more kissing and definitely no Ted.

“To talk,” Maria says, quirking an eyebrow. “We heard he’s going to pull another stunt at SI.” Maria taps Natasha on the hip, signaling for her to get off.

Luckily for Lily, Natasha doesn’t, instead she swings around and plops right in between Maria’s thighs. Natasha leans against Maria’s chest and grins so evilly.

Lily crosses her legs, it’s getting a bit hot in here isn’t it?

Natasha looks at the gesture and her grin only widens. “So what do you think?” Natasha motions with her hand up to herself and Maria.

“About what?”

“Red and black hair, clash or complement?”

Lily squeaks in horror, they know! Oh no, are they here to kill her? Does the Black Widow live up to her codename? Oh she’d die so happily then wouldn’t she? No. She can’t die, she still has Marshall and Marvin to take care of.

“Nat, stop it,” Maria scolds.

“You never let me have fun,” Natasha sighs but leans up to kiss under Maria’s jaw.

“I’m sorry Lily, I didn’t realize Natasha planned this, but while we’re here, can you help persuade Ted to move on?”

“We tried, he just won’t listen. He’s completely infatuated with you, worse than when you were Robin.”

Natasha stands up and sits on the armrest next to Lily, though Natasha is the same height as Lily, she cuts an intimidating presence. “Think you can try a bit harder? For us?”

“I…uh…h-how?”

“Sabotage,” Natasha says with a shrug. “Make sure he can’t get on the subway, loses his wallet and whatever grand gesture he’s doing, destroy it.”

“I don’t know if I can do that,” Lily says.

Natasha leans in and whispers just low enough for Maria to not hear, “You want to see me and Maria kiss?”

-

The next week, Ted gets ready to post signs up all over the SI block, but finds that they’re all spray painted black. And his wallet got stolen. And his shoes all have gum stuck on the bottom. And he’s somehow locked into his own apartment.


	14. I gave you ONE job!

“Maria? I mean Ms. Hill?”

Maria sighs and smiles apologetically at Pepper, she taps the button on her phone to speak. “Yes Patrice?”

“Ted Mosby is asking to speak with you again—“

“I told you to tell him I’m busy, any time he calls,” Maria interrupts.

“I did, but he’s here in person, in the lobby.”

Maria closes her eyes and rubs the spot in between her eyes. She inhales and exhales deeply. “Get rid of him.”

“Yes Mar – I mean Ms. Hill.”

Letting go of the talk button, Maria cracks her neck and pastes on a fake smile. “Sorry about that Pepper, we were just talking about Congress wanting the arc reactor technology?”

“It’s not a problem Maria,” Pepper waves her hand dismissively.

A few minutes later, a tentative knock interrupts their meeting once more. Maria clenches her jaw and presses the button to open her door and in slinks Patrice, head down, hands fidgeting with the hem of her shirt that’s remarkably similar to the shade Maria wore yesterday.

“Ms. Hill?”

“Patrice I’m in a meeting with Pepper.”

“I’m so sorry, but Ted won’t leave. He has a purple giraffe and what looks like a super glued blue French horn and –“

Maria knocks her chair over standing up and slams her palms on the table. “DAMN IT PATRICE, I ASKED YOU TO DO ONE THING!”

Pepper sputters, wide eyed and jaw dropping at Maria’s loss of composure while Patrice looks at the ground in shame.

“Mar—“

Maria points to the open door and glares at Patrice until she walks out, shutting the door behind her.

Gripping the table, Maria sucks in a deep breath and exhales, repeating several times until she calms down. She sits back in her chair and cracks her neck, completely composed.

“I…uh, we should continue this later,” Pepper says.

“We just have a few more points to go through,” Maria responds.

“If you’re sure…”


End file.
